I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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