She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
