Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
