I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
