the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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