Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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