i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
