I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
