Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
