I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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