i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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