I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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