First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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