I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
