it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
