How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
