FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
