so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
