Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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