I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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