I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
