My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
