I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
COCAINE IS GR8
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
