Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
