Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
