Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
