After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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