I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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