After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just threw up on my dentist
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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