um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
