i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Man, jail baloney is awful.
As shirtless as possible
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
