careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
ttyl tear gas
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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