Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
