Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
