i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
