The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
