You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
