My balls are so social today.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
