can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
