Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
