Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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