I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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