apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
