i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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