At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
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They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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