I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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