you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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