I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
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why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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