we made out on top of his cat.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
