There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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