Pregnant stripper...not hot.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
