Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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