I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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