Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
