I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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