Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
