I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I need a beard to bite.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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